I try to look on the bright side of things, and not wallow in self-pity. I know I'm blessed, and I know many have it much harder than me, but I wonder why so many seem to have it easier.
Moving up here to this nowwhereland town has been a good move for us financially. We were able to pay off bad debts and since there's not much to speak of for shopping in this town, we're spending less money. So, we figure that now's the time to try to start to get "ahead" of the game, maybe start saving money...
I finally got two clients for my home-based daycare. I was so excited! This meant that I could finally start doing what I've been working towards for months, plus I'd be bringing in more money so we could work towards some goals. Later the same day as my clients committed, my husband finds out that his hours are cut back to less than 20 hours a week! With no notice! So much for saving money! We're now behind again.
But we looked at the bright side: at least I had the income from the daycare now, so the cutting in half of the hours wouldn't affect us too deeply.
But now, just days after they started coming for care, my clients have backed out. They have a relative coming to live with them who will take care of the kids in their home. Great for them, not so great for me. And I have really been enjoying the work! To top that off, I'm not even 100% sure if I'll get paid for the work I've already done, 'cause I'm waiting on the Gov't subsidy to be approved or denied.
So now, pretty much the only realistic option for us is for Armondo to go fishing again. That is, IF there is a boat available for him to work on. Luckily, the Canadian dollar is weak again, meaning that the fishermen are making good money again. (in theory)
So, back to that depression thing. It's driving Armondo crazy. He can't stand that I hate to get out of bed in the morning. He can't stand that I have to pay for prescription pills that aren't a magic fix-it-all pill. But since I had this daycare job, for a few days I was finally getting my act together, getting out of bed early and keeping the house clean. And it felt good to get up early! It seemed like it was something I could get used to. I felt like I had a purpose, like I was contributing more to the family, not only by bringing in money, but by also providing my children with socialization, and education. (I'm trying to do my daycare in sort of a pre-school style). But after being told by my clients that I wouldn't be needed anymore after the end of the month, and then having them cancel care today, it just took me right back into "slump" mode. I crawled back into bed and didn't want to get out. When the time came for me to force myself out, I got out of bed and put my fake happy face on for the kids. Then we all got ready and went out and spent some family time in the park. Which was good.
But this post isn't just about the day care situation, it's just about bad luck in general. Our house is full of mice. There was evidence of mice in the house before we moved in, but I cleaned everything and bleached everything, and assumed, incorrectly, that the mice must have moved on, considering the house had been empty for 8 months before we moved in. It's an old house, built during the second world war. It has three stories and in the spaces between the floors and in the walls are what seem like hundreds of mice. Very few have made it out into our main living areas, and I most likely have to thank the cats for that, but the constant "scritch scratch" and "scurrying" through the walls and ceilings has been driving me batty! I have nightmares about them every single night. Funny, coming from someone who used to have a dozen pet mice and four pet rats at one time.
Plus there is all those other bad luck things that have happened in the past three years. Here's a summary:
~Armondo got fired from his new job right after Cherry was born.
~So, Armondo came up to our current location to find a job, and got a really good one. I was left alone with the baby for months.
~We tried to sell our house for six months, and it wouldn't sell.
~So Armondo went fishing and the fishing sucked. And he was gone for very long stretches of time.
~Life was pretty okay for awhile, but things sucked having my husband away. We had Peach.
~Then our house flooded.
~We tried to sell our house again. Success!!! One thing which wasn't bad.
~We moved up here and after a month and a half bought a house.
~The roof leaked almost right away.
~The weather was really bad while Armondo was trying to re-do the whole roof, so we had days of pots and pans catching drips all over the house. This is within a month of moving in.
~Gaping holes formed in various parts of the ceiling. Ceiling drywall rotted and had to be replaced in one area, still hasn't been replaced in another area. (that area doesn't have rot though)
~I try to start a day care and spend a significant amount of money and time getting it together.
~A massive storm destroys our outdoor shelter that was set up over the children's only outside play area.
~Our basement leaks during each rain. It rains about 90% of the time.
~A whole bunch of stuff went wrong with our van, including a few pretty bad dents. Good luck though, we only had to pay deductibles for the fixes.
~And currently, I'm dealing with the whole day care fiasco, Armondo looking for a new and/or better job to tie us over until he goes to school, and with mice scurrying over my head constantly.
I'd really, really, like to be able to catch a break at some point! Which brings me back to the depression thing... Am I really, clinically depressed? Or do the crappy circumstances of my life just keep on bringing me down? Is it chemical? or situational? I just don't know. Maybe my life isn't all that rough, and I'm just a whiner. If that's true, then I'd assume that the depression must be chemical. If my life really IS crappy, and I have reason to be depressed, then I guess I'm just wasting my money on meds.
2 comments:
I'd like to address your last question, if I may.
The causes of depression aren't cut and dry - it's not as if depression is EITHER chemical OR situation OR someone is a whiner. If someone has naturally low serotonin levels (and women's levels are generally lower than men's), they are more likely to think negative thoughts (whether they have particularly difficult situations to deal with or not). On the other hand, though, a person who doesn't necessarily have low serotonin levels but who has frequent negative thoughts (for example, because their life truly sucks) actually DEVELOPS low serotonin levels. SO, negative thoughts can lead to low serotonin and low serotonin can lead to negative thoughts!
If the medication is helping your mood increase, no matter what is causing the depression, you are NOT wasting your money. If it's not working, you might consider trying a different variety. If you want, you can tell me the name of the medication you're on and I'll let you know what I have heard about it.
Another note - there are several studies that suggest that depression that goes untreated is more likely to recur. (There are a few reasons for this.) So, I really hope you guys can come up with a solution that works. :S
About your situation in general, I can't say I really understand but you have my sympathy. I have struggled with depression too and I know it's tough.
dude that sucks.. as for the daycare thing. if they signed a contract with you, and you have already been watching them, they have to still pay you for the days you have done. Even if you are on a waiting list, that doesnt matter, lots of daycares are on waiting lists. I dont know how much you charge a day. here it is 20 and then with subsidy it is 7 dollars. so they would still pay you for the "20" a day.
Expecially if they already did a contract with you, you tell them , that you have turned people down because you took them. they still have to pay you.
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